A Change of Clothes

It's 4 am. I'm 40 weeks 5 days pregnant and wide awake. What better time to grab a bowl of cereal and write!

Nights like these often lend themselves to soul searching for me. I pull out my journal and write to clear my mind or just for something to do with myself while my body moves back into sleep mode. Tonight, I wrote a bit and then reread some pieces I had written over the past year. It's been quite a journey!

Last June, we celebrated the one year anniversary of having purchased our small house. Two years is coming up soon - exciting! What I wrote about most a year ago was how intent I was on designing a fully functional closet system for our bedroom. It was to be built into the attic wall (the loft space of our house doesn't fully cover the footprint so we have unused space under the rafters next to our loft. It's currently closed off but that didn't stop me from dreaming!) and consisted of clothes bars and drawers and pull-out shelves and hooks and a perfect space for each pair of shoes. Like those closets I see in the Ikea catalog that are so bloody organized, I'm pretty sure that the owner either doesn't work because he's too busy keeping his closet organized, or he actually lives at his girlfriend's place.

 What I realized tonight is that I was trying to design a system around my present situation, instead of trying to change. I was trying to take all the stuff I had and fit it into this perfectly categorized world where all those things had a place.

Probably because change is hard.

 I used to think that I was terribly horrible at dealing with change - and, I suppose, sometimes I still am. But I am - and you are, too - more adaptable than I had ever thought. Look over your last year and see what you think.

I didn't get my perfectly categorized wardrobe (or world). Fortunately. We ended up buying a captain's bed that I'm moderately happy with. I pared my wardrobe down to about 6 of everything and then rolled my clothing so it all fit in the drawers. I have a box of clothes for summer, a box for winter, and a box of maternity clothes all stashed in the basement. Way more than I would like, but being in the middle of a "significant figure transition" means I have to hang onto clothing I might not normally keep around.

As I wait for our son to arrive, change is imminent. I have ideas, but sometimes I just can't fathom what the future will actually look like and prepare myself for it. We have the co-sleeper set up. We have a changing table. We have clothes, love and lots of diapers. Mise en place: everything is in its place, even in our small house.

The things we'll need can't be purchased at Baby Depot: sleep, support, quiet, patience, sunshine, friends, family. Did I mention sleep?

Ah, here it is: the first avian twitterings of the morning light and the smallest of brightenings over the mountain I'm looking out at. Just in time for me to finish up and head back to bed.

Change happens every day, but we don't always recognize it because it happened yesterday, too. Instead of trying to cram our overly busy lives and our overflowing abundance into what we have now, here's to embracing change!

Doubt and Deliberation

I had a moment of doubt today. Wondering if this all isn't a little too crazy!

It comes any time we choose a path with determination and purpose, doesn't it? It could be dedicating yourself to school, to a big project at work, to a relationship, or - for me right now - to living in a small house and getting rid of (most of) my stuff.

Within the next month, our lives are going to change dramatically. This dream we've been working toward over the past year and a half is about to happen! We will be vacating our Kingston apartment for a few months while we rent it out. Before that can happen, my husband and a friend will be replacing our roof. Then, just as soon as we move to the small Adirondack house, we're renting it out for five days. Except, it's not finished! Within one month, we're going from two houses to none for a moment.

Oh, and on top of all this, my husband is starting a new business - next week!

I can't say it's not a wild ride.

When I take a breath and then another (and another), I am reminded that I am doing this with purpose. I didn't decide to do this willy nilly. "I went to the woods because I wished to live deliberately." [Except, unlike Thoreau, my mom isn't around to do my laundry. (Sorry, transcendentalists! I had to say it.)]

Obstacles like these - stress, major change, making many difficult decisions - give me a chance to review my own character and dig into some tough questions of my self. Why am I here? What is my purpose? What am I capable of? I like to think that it's far more than what I've accomplished so far.

But let's be honest - this is a little crazy. And I don't think it would be as much fun if it wasn't!

Stay tuned for more on my wild ride!